Is my child developing on track, or should I seek some support?

The shoes go on eventually. But first there is a reminder, then another, then an adult finding the shoes, opening them and staying close until the job is done.

When that happens most mornings, and a milestone checklist says children your child's age can manage it, it is easy to start worrying that something is wrong and that your child needs to catch up.

I would like to take some of that pressure away, from you and from your child. Milestone information is helpful. It gives parents a way to notice development and raise questions. But children don't develop evenly across every area at once, and a checklist only shows a small part of what is going on for them.

The wider picture

Look at what your child can do

When I talk about a wider picture, I mean a bigger understanding of your child. What else is happening for them at the moment? It may look as though they can't put their shoes on. So what can they do?

I would like parents to look at their child's strengths as carefully as they look at the hard parts. Some children are well ahead of their peers in one area. They might be building with real precision, talking in long and detailed sentences, or completely absorbed in learning everything about one subject. I often think of it as a lot of the child's resources going into that strength. Seen that way, it makes sense that something as ordinary as putting on shoes is lagging behind for now.

The shoes are still part of the picture. They are one part of it, sitting alongside everything else your child is busy with.

Changes you can't see

Growing is busy work on the inside

Children are developing rapidly. Their bodies and brains are going through a great deal of change, and much of it happens out of sight.

We understand this easily with a baby who is teething. Teething hurts, and a lot of the baby's energy is going into it, so we expect poorer sleep and a crankier day. We can follow the flow-on effect because we know what is causing it.

As children get bigger, we don't get to see the changes happening inside them, and from the outside they are often not obvious. A harder stretch, when your child seems more unsettled or a skill seems to stall, may be a time when their brain is developing and sorting things out. That won't explain every difficulty, and a skill that has been lost needs a different response. It is a reason to give a hard period some patience and room before deciding that something has gone wrong.

The help around the child

Some children need more support for a while

Some difficulties are less visible because a parent has become very good at supporting them. You may set out the task in order, stay nearby, repeat the next step and step in before it becomes too frustrating. By the end, everyone has left the house.

That support is not evidence that you have done something wrong. It tells you what your child needs at the moment. Sometimes a child does need that level of support so that they can slowly develop the skill underneath it. You do not have to take the help away to prove there is a problem, or to hurry the skill along.

Your capacity

When your own capacity is running low

Holding that wider picture takes something from you, and on some days or in some seasons it may not be there. If you notice that you are losing your openness, understanding or compassion towards your child, that is a sign to ask for help with that part. Sometimes that help might come from an occupational therapist.

There may also be a point where you can't make any more changes, or give any more support than you already are. It is okay to look for support in other forms, and this is where some creativity helps. You might ask a friend or a family member, hire a babysitter, or bring in other people who can share the load. Sometimes a child needs that level of support around them so they can keep developing slowly, and it does not all have to come from you.

The point of all of this is to take the pressure to improve off your child and off you, and to give your child space to develop in their own time.

Asking for help

When to speak with a health professional

You do not need to be certain before asking. A missed milestone, a persistent concern, or a skill your child used to have and has lost is reason enough to speak with your GP or child and family health nurse. Losing skills, such as words or movement your child previously used, should be discussed promptly rather than waited out.

A few ordinary examples help more than a long list of worries. You might describe one routine, the part your child manages, the help you give, and what they enjoy and do well. Their strengths belong in that conversation too.

Most mornings the shoes still go on, with help. That help can stay in place while your child is busy growing in other ways, and while you work out what support you need around you.