Giving time is not doing nothing
Sometimes, in the early stages of therapy, it can look like not much is happening. The occupational therapist may spend time playing, observing, following the child's lead, or simply helping the child feel safe enough to stay in the room. For a parent who is worried, exhausted, or desperate for things to change, this can feel frustrating.
But giving time does not mean doing nothing. It is an active part of therapy — the period where the therapist is learning the child, the child is learning whether the therapist is safe, and the parent has an opportunity to understand the child more deeply.
Many children who come to occupational therapy have already experienced a lot of pressure. They may have been told to try harder, listen better, calm down, hurry up, or behave like other children. By the time they arrive in therapy, they may not be ready for another adult to give them more instructions. They may first need to feel that this adult is not going to rush them, shame them, or force them to perform before they are ready.
A child cannot usually be pushed into regulation, flexibility or independence before they feel safe enough to grow. Giving time is not giving up.
Start by widening the lens
When a child is struggling, it is very natural for adults to focus on the child's behaviour. Why are they refusing? Why are they melting down? Why can they do it one day but not the next? These are important questions, but if we ask them from a place of panic or frustration, we can quickly move into a "fix the child" mindset.
In occupational therapy, we often start with the sensory pyramid, a model that helps us understand how a child's underlying sensory and regulatory foundations affect everything they do. From there, we look outward at the many other factors that may be contributing to the difficulty.
One example of how factors may overlap for a child. Every child's picture is different — the OT's job is to understand what is most relevant for your family.
A child's behaviour often makes more sense when we stop asking only "how do we stop this?" and start asking "what is this child having to cope with?" The most useful explanation is not always the most complete one. It is the one that helps the adults become more curious and less reactive.
Before we ask a child to change, we need to understand what the child is adapting to.
Move from fixing the child to changing the conditions
Parents do not cause all of their child's difficulties. A child may have real sensory, developmental, emotional, or neurobiological differences that make daily life harder. At the same time, parents are usually the people with the most immediate influence over the child's daily environment.
This is not about blame. It is about influence. Sometimes, without meaning to, the adults around a child can become part of the pressure system the child is trying to survive. The parent may be trying to help, but the child experiences the help as more demand. The parent may be trying to keep life moving, but the pace has become too fast for the child to manage.
When we understand this, the question changes. It becomes less "how do I make my child change?" and more "what can we begin changing around the child so that change becomes possible?"
This is not about blame. It is about influence.
Behaviour is communication. What is it telling us?
A child who refuses, avoids, melts down, shuts down or becomes rigid may look like they are being difficult. Sometimes they are actually trying to stay safe.
This does not mean every behaviour is acceptable, or that parents should have no boundaries. It means we need to understand the function of the behaviour before deciding how to respond. When we see behaviour as communication, we become less urgent. We can pause long enough to ask what it is telling us.
We are interested in what is underneath the behaviour, not just the behaviour itself.
The parent's nervous system is part of the child's world
While the therapist is building relationship with the child, the parent also has important work to do. One of the most important parts of that work is the parent's own regulation. This can be hard to hear when parents are already stretched, so it should never be spoken about as another demand or another reason for guilt.
It is not about being calm all the time. It is about recognising that the parent's nervous system is part of the child's world. A child does not only learn regulation through instructions. They learn it through repeated experiences of being near adults who are also learning how to slow down, notice, and respond differently.
Walking, exercise, time outside — physical regulation that reduces the parent's own stress load.
Reducing commitments for a season — not giving up on goals, but asking whether the current pace is sustainable.
Asking for help — from extended family, babysitters, support workers, or trusted adults who can share the load.
The parent's own support — someone to process the stress with, so it does not accumulate silently.
Quiet time — moments where nobody needs anything, which restore the capacity to show up steadily for the next hard moment.
When a parent works on their own regulation, they are building the steadiness the child will borrow from.
Building regulation reserves into everyday life
Often, adults think about regulation only when a child is already distressed. But a deeper part of regulation happens before the crisis, in the ordinary rhythm of the week. Regulation reserves are the small, repeated experiences that help the family system carry more stress without tipping into crisis.
Regulation is built across the whole week, not only in the moment of crisis.
Giving time may mean changing the family's pace before expecting the child to change. That might mean reducing commitments for a season, simplifying routines, or using support workers or trusted adults so the parent-child relationship is not carrying all the pressure alone.
We are not only trying to calm the child once things have fallen apart. We are building regulation reserves into everyday life.
Bring your observations back to the therapist
While the therapist is building connection with the child, parents can begin gathering the information that will make therapy more useful. The parent's lived knowledge of the child shapes therapy so it fits the family's real life rather than a generic program.
Notice what happens before distress — not just the meltdown itself, but the ten minutes before it.
Notice what time of day is hardest — and whether school days differ from non-school days.
Notice your own tone and pace — when do you become urgent, and what effect does that have on the child?
Notice what helps recovery — for the child, and for yourself.
Notice when you are trying to fix too quickly — and what happens when you slow down instead.
A parent might come back and say: "I noticed mornings are much worse when we talk too much." Or: "I realised I become urgent when we are running late, and that escalates everything." Or: "After school, my child needs more recovery time than I thought." These observations help therapy become real.
Early signs that something is beginning to shift
Early progress may be subtle. It may not look like the child suddenly doing more. It may look much quieter than that, and that is fine. These small changes are the beginning of trust, and trust is often the beginning of real functional change.
The child staying in the therapy space a little longer than they did the week before.
The child recovering from an upset a little faster — not without difficulty, but with less total time lost.
The parent pausing before reacting — a beat of noticing before the usual response.
A morning with slightly less urgency — fewer words, less rushing, less escalation.
The parent noticing a pattern that was previously missed — connecting cause and effect more clearly.
The child showing more of who they are — because they feel less pushed, less watched, less corrected.
A school conversation that leads to one small adjustment — and a slightly easier week.
The child is not being left alone to fix themselves. The parent is not being blamed. The therapist is not the only person responsible for change. Everyone is slowly learning a new rhythm.
Giving time is the work of understanding the child, calming the adult system around them, and creating the conditions where trust and change can begin.